The Blog I've Put Off Writing
Ah, the sweet smell of procrastination. I've put off the blog for a long time, partly because of Facebook, but mostly because I wanted to be sure I wrote about the events of the summer with the right mindset. Usually getting a little distance from emotional events helps me to discuss them with greater clarity. Most of all, I want to be sure I don't hurt anybody's feelings.In July, I left my church of 40 years. I left for a number of reasons, some I can get into publicly, some I can't. But mostly I left because it was the right thing to do for my family.
With respect to a tradition and an interpretation with which I am intimately familiar, we personally couldn't support what we came to see as practices that discriminate. Women are not allowed to pray publicly...or preach...or serve as deacons or elders. In some cases they are not even allowed to teach or perform tasks like passing communion trays. A significant percentage of the membership does not believe that divorced men should be allowed to lead. Women like my wife who are blessed with an abundance of spiritual gifts are extremely limited in how they can use them. Men like myself who suffered through the traumatizing and embarrassing ordeal of divorce are given comfort but told they are not welcome to hold office.
My church is leagues above other Churches of Christ in these areas. The men who serve as elders would welcome a divorced man in their ranks. Most of them would like to see women do more. But they are held back by concerns for bringing the membership along at what they deem an appropriate pace. For my family, that pace is too slow. My son is in his formative years, shaped by what he sees as much as what he is taught. After witnessing two sixth-grade boys lead the congregation in Communion one Sunday, he asked his mother why she wasn't allowed to do that. It was a great question.
We had hoped to leave quietly and gracefully. I had hoped to preach one last time. But pride and human nature played their part and, as these things too often do, the whole thing got nasty. Things were said which should not have been said. I was not allowed to preach again and my character was called into question. We were accused by some of abandoning our church, if not our faith. And so on.
The overwhelming response though has been loving. Those who know us well understand our leaving and wish us the best. And we will miss our family like crazy! After the wounds heal, we'll go back and see them as often as we can. But it will take some time.
We covet prayers as we embark on a search for a new home. I am years away still from what I hope will be a new career as a minister. At that time, we'll have a new church home again. But for now, we seek a place where we can serve as a family. We can't replace our old one and we would never try. But we can add to it. May God lead us on.
(I will now read this about eighteen times before publishing. Please read it with love and respond with grace.)
posted by Thurman8er @ 10:10 AM
9 Comments:
So sorry to read this post, my friend. Having gone through the process of trying to find a new church family and then trying to figure out just where we fit in, if we fit in at all, has been a very frustrating process for us. Though we love the teaching ministry at our new church home, not too many people seem to care if we are there or not.
In my 30 years of ministry within churches of Christ, what seemed to be the most problematic was well described here. Good elders but memberships that just cannot be led! For the most part, I've found people in the coC all but adamantly refusing to be led by an eldership if that leading causes any degree of discomfort of movement by faith at all.
Glad you're back ... I've missed your blogging.
I will continue to pray ... for your search for a new church family, and for His perfect love to heal your hurts. I DO understand.
Though this saddens me deeply, I have read with love and respond with much love and, hopefully, grace. I will be praying for you and your family as well. While I am not in agreement with some of your reasons, I love and appreciate your heart. After being with you and coming to know you in this wonderful world of blog we have shared for a long time, now, I know your heart to be that of a servant and one that loves the Lord and His word. I know God will lead you where He wants you to be.
I'm glad you are blogging again and look forward to being back in touch.
Love you.
"Freedom in Christ"...yes
Being chained in legalism - no
Unity through harmony - yes
Unity through uniformity - no
God commands us to love - yes
Fear-causing "Necessary Inference" - NO
For the rest of the story, visit a website, "Reflections" by Al Maxey
Grace and peace to you, Steve. I will pray for you and your family as you find a new church home.
Bro, I feel your pain as our entire church has been “ex-communicated” from many of the local Churches of Christ in our area. However you will feel JOY!! When you’ve been voted off or feel the need to take yourself off the island, what you discover is that God has more islands than we were allowed to consider when we’re part of the Church of Christ denomination.
My own son is a prime example of this. He is attending a Non-Church of Christ, non-denominational Christian College. This week, Francis Chan, the writer of “Crazy Love,” is doing their chapel services. Would a Francis Chan be allowed to conduct chapel at DLU, Oklahoma Christian, or at most Church of Christ Colleges? I doubt it.
I am excited for what God has in store for you, Lisa, and James. You guys are workers for the Lord and trust me, there is a church out there just praying for you guys to show up.
Keep us up on your journey for I can’t wait to hear about what God already knows with respect to you and the family.
I forgot to say...
You did a VERY BRAVE thing,and I thank God for your courage, and I support the decision you have agonized about. I sort of feel like "Stoogelover" in a few ways...especially the "not too many people seem to care if we are there are not." A handful who dare to learn who I am about and hear my story care deeply. You know who you are. But being a "disenfranchised" Christian in a congregation who have multiple groups of friends in their age groups...ater all many of them grew up togther, and their families socialze together, as they built that church with another churches' blessing, AND whom neither have any contatct with anymore. I remember one of the members (a wise man) who told me , as I expressed the reasons why I had stayed away for the church for 20 years...it felt like , long ago, we were expected to adhere to the usual patternism/legalism (CENI - command. example, necessary Inference) but the bible I was reading had a much larger scope than this. As a pre-teen and a teen, I felt that there was a lot of about my faith heritage that just didn't MAKE SENSE!! Even a child could figure this out!! And please tell that child that her faithful Mennonite grandmother was going to hell...the grandmother who made quilts for those who needed them, for wedding gifts, and baby gifts, and for granduation gifts! But I was told that. And I lived in a Mennonite town! And these people would give you anything they had if you needed it. Their children were my friends...some of them were relatives. Anyway, that wise man told me that as long as I wa doing the best I could, that heaven would be mine someday. My friend doesn't attend my church anymore. But my coming back was better than baptism. And my 11 year old child was responsibile. I have SO much to say about our faith tradition...I want it to change and have the courage to say it once and for all..."We aren't the ONLY ones!! I want for us to have classes, discusssing the outcomes of churches of Christ which have made dramatic changes in their worship. And I would like to share a conversation with someone in the lobby after church without having another person stop my conversation for another one on his/her agenda...usually asking where they are going to lunch after church! I usually walk away. I certainly am not invited. I am a non-person. Someone who is "tolerated" for various reasons - it's usually my previous marital status'. I'm "there" but I'm NOT 'there". So, I do what I can, and try to use the talents that I have been given...quietly...secretly, but the one talent I treasure for God is not 'available to me" anymore. My motives were questioned, and a great deal of sadness and rejection ensued. HOW can this happen in God's family? When I go to my kids church up north, I see, I feel the opposite. I don't go often, but they really, really care about me. Churches that will not be led, and elders who fear backlash should they want to change the status quo. Where is the courage, Steve...where indeed??? Where are the "Pauls" who speak out boldly for "freedom in Christ"? The status quo will be the death of my faith heritage.
I, too, have missed you and Lisa and James. Love and blessings always!
I'm always sorry to hear someone felt the need to leave their church home because of disagreements. But I would encourage you not to carry any resulting "baggage" with you. Try not to look at any new church in comparison to the old one. Try not to carry any grudges or preconceived ideas to the new place. It is poison. But above all, regardless of the reasons you left, always turn to the Bible when you make your decisions. If we continue to follow God, the rest will follow and it won't matter what the other person said or did.
I speak as someone who saw the results of a really bad church split that happened when I was too young to understand what was going on. 36 years later I still know people who bear the scars from the hurt feelings and sense of betrayal. My growing up years included a gaping hole in the theology I was taught because of oversensitive feelings on a particular topic. I managed to grow up, learn, understand, and fill in the gaps, but a lot of others have had badly stunted growth as a result.
Don't let that sort of thing happen to you, your family, or those you know.
Well spoken, my sweet Tanya, my Christian sister. You will never know how much I love and adore you for your wisdom and your "walk" to always do the right thing in such a humble way.
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