Loneliness and Joy
A word or two about divorce and loneliness.I think it's pretty clear that nobody can truly relate to those who go through divorce having never suffered through it themselves. It is a process I wouldn't wish on anybody. Beyond the obvious struggles of having to adapt to a whole new life, there are all the hidden aches and pains. You wonder what people will think of you. You wonder if life will ever feel "normal" again. You wonder and worry about how it is affecting everyone around you. My chief problem was simply the uncertainty of it all. I don't do well with expected change. Unexpected change sends me reeling.
Eventually, the process is over and for better or for worse (almost always for worse), a new phase of life begins. And with it comes a new reality...that of loneliness.
Many of us tend to be very good with helping people through hardship. When a friend loses a loved one, we are there for them. We bring food, we send cards, we call with encouraging words, we hug and love all over them. Our trials usually find us surrounded with well-wishers. The problem is that this kind of treatment cannot last all that long. When people feel as though we are over the worst of it, they go back to treating us as before. And that's okay! There comes a time when all we want is for people to treat us like they used to.
Recently it hit me in the face, however, that when the trauma of divorce is over, the reality of loneliness begins. And it doesn't go away. Unless we are blessed enough to find ourselves loved again, unless we find someone new with which to share intimacy, we are simply lonely souls.
And let me insert here that this is exactly why I thank God each and every day for my wife. Beyond being the incredibly wonderful partner that she is, I will never forget what life was like before I met her. My scale of joy didn't go from zero to a number I would put somewhere in the hundred-thousands. It started at a number somewhere deep in the negatives. If that doesn't make sense, you'll have to forgive me. You can take the boy out of the math but you can't take the math out of the boy.
What can we do for the people we know who suffer with loneliness each and every day? First of all, we can recognize it. We can pay attention to those we know who are alone. We can make plans with them, call them, drop them an e-mail just to let them know that they are on our minds. You have no idea what it means just to know that somebody is thinking about you. And always, always we can pray for them. I've made no secret of the fact that a righteous man prayed for me when I brought my loneliness to him. And of the fact that I met Lisa that week.
Whom do you know that is having a very lonely time of it right now?
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I was out of town from Thursday through Sunday. When I got home I found out that my son could read.
Rather than have me read to him upon returning home, he instead chose to share a little book with me. He sounded things out, missed a couple of words, but read a few entire sentences. I beamed. What amazing joy to see our children develop and grow.
Yesterday I learned that he is apparently telling time as well.
Next week, he may choose to begin his own blog.
posted by Thurman8er @ 2:20 PM
7 Comments:
Wow, thanks for sharing. That blog means a lot to me. Coming from the other end of divorce, being a child of divorce parents, I would agree and say divorce is not a light subject and is something I would not wish on anybody. I love my parents and I know they love me, but the divorce changed everything, including me.
Loneliness is another strong issue. It's true that you can only treat people well for so long. Only God can give us what we need to be whole.
I will look forward to reading your son's first blog...when that day comes. That will be an interesting one. I just hope he does not write about the LA Angels. :)
For so many years "the church" had our "ministry" to divorce folks all messed up. In fact, there wasn't a ministry in most places, just lots of condemnation. Praise God for the man you spoke of and for Lisa entering your life.
Praise God that your church had thrown off the false doctrine of disqualifying men from serving as deacons and elders who have been divorced.
Also, thanks for the reminder about the lonely in our churches and how to minister to them.
BTW - I'm very "positive" about the "integer reference" in this post. Thanks for keeping all the numbers you use in blogging "Real."
You know how much your thoughts in this blog mean to me. Thank you for your honest and sharing heart.
I'm not alone or without love in my life, and I am grateful for that. But I do not have that relationship that most of us long for in this life, and I feel the loneliness, and I feel some of the rejection that accompanies divorce, although not the same, I'm sure. Holding your heart out to someone who doesn't want it is painful, to say the least, and stupid, at best. Every time you talk about that part of your life, I am so thankful to be in touch with someone who understands so well what this kind of loss feels like. God bless you, and I thank Him for delivering you to a better place! :)
Do you know, I an remember the exact moment when letters turned into words and sentences for me?! You go, James! He's bound to be a blogger!
P.S. The stupidity I was referring to is mine; wasn't referring to you! :)
The path from a -1,000 to positive numbers, whether it be +1 or +25, especially if those numbers vacillate like a yo-yo, can only be navigated when one is on their knees in prayer...literally. Sometimes the only prayer that I could utter wordlessly was for God to give me what I needed, especially when I felt that, at any time, I would just disappear.
The songwriter, Paul Simon said it best: "Loosing love is like a window in your heart...everybody sees you're blown apart...everybody sees the wind blow"
But nothing, absolutely nothing is harder to face than to realize that you cannot absorb all the pain you see in your child, no matter how much you try. It haunts you forever...and only God can help you forgive yourself. That's why Psalms 139 is so meaningful to me. Praise God for His never-ending grace!
I've not been down that road, but I'm grateful, too, for Lisa in your life and the many Lisa's and Steve's out there that have been brought together post-divorce.
I know a little bit about loneliness. It's a tough one.
Thanks for the insights.
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