A 4-year-old In Church
Warning: The following post includes frank discussion of scatological events. The words "pee", "poop" and an accidental "crap" are used unblinkingly. Proceed at your own risk.This goes out to all of you who have been there, especially to those who have forgotten.
My son spent the weekend with his grandmothers...with Lisa's mom on Friday night and with mine on Saturday. So I hadn't seen him much when we met up at church on Sunday morning. I was thrilled to see him and hugged him all over. He said, "Where's Mommy?" When I told him that she wouldn't be there that morning, he cried great big tears.
Things went downhill from there.
I try very hard to pay close attention on Sunday mornings. Partly because it's good for me, partly because I think my attention helps the speakers, and partly because I need to know what's going on for the sake of the Worship Committee. Plus, I so appreciate it when others actually look like they're listening to me. That was tougher than usual yesterday.
By the third song, James told me he had to "go potty." As you know, this is always a crapshoot with kids, and I mean that literally. Maybe he really needs to go. Probably he just wants to go walk around for a while. But I hadn't had him that morning so I didn't know if he'd gone and my mother was still out doing the greeter thing. So I took him.
(While James was peeing, DCB came into the bathroom holding his hands out in front of him and not trying to hide the look of disgust on his face. "Troy just yakked all over me," he said, furiously washing his hands. Those of you who know DCB know of his Hughes-like germophobia. I cracked up.)
When we got back to our pew (I sit on the inside aisle...isn't that the manly spot?), my mom had returned and was sitting on the other end. James walked to her immediately and, when I looked down that way 5 SECONDS LATER, he was walking with her down the outside aisle and back to the bathroom.
What a player.
When they came back, my niece explained to Mom what had just happend. She laughed. These things always make her laugh. 37 years ago they made her really mad but now they make her laugh. I motioned to James to come and sit by me and expressed my displeasure. "But I had to go again, Daddy," he explained. Ah.
Time passed. Ten minutes into the sermon James said, "Daddy, I have to go potty." "Ha," I laughed. "No way."
"But I really have to goooooooooo."
"You've gone twice. You don't need to go again. No way."
"But, Daddyyyyyyy..."
"No. Sh."
"But, Daddy. I have a poop coming out of me."
Okay. Freeze frame. 'Cause you've been there, right? This is what "The Amazing Race" calls a detour. Use Phil's voice here: "A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons." If I take him, I'm giving in to a 4-year-old, escorting him to the bathroom for the third time. If I don't, and I'm wrong, bad things happen. And so I said this: "You'd BETTER have a poop coming out of you. If we get to the bathroom and I don't see poop you are gonna GET IT."
We left. It's funny. I remember walking out the first time, holding my son's hand, waving to my friends, smiling, slapping their shoulders. This time it was head down, quick feet, let's just get this done.
(Before I could open the bathroom door, DCB and Troy walked out. I rolled my eyes and Doug said, "Yeah, we're havin' a day.")
There was no poop. There was, however, a spanking. More tears. A lecture on the importance of showing God our respect and behaving in church. A whole lot of "I want MOMMY" 's.
For some reason, upon returning yet again to our pew, James bee-lined for his Grandma and spent most of the service there. He came back towards the end, all pouty, and slumped against the back of the pew in front of us. I rubbed his back, stroked his hair, squeezed his neck. When I stopped he told me to "Keep doing that." So, of course, I did.
One of the many things I value about Lisa is that she knows how important it is to me to try and keep up with what is happening during our assembly time. She knows that I like to refer to what has gone before when I speak and she keeps James happy, often to the detriment of her own attention. I'm not sure if she's been able to focus on worship in almost five years.
So, sadly, that's pretty much what I remember from our annual Harvest Sunday. I'm sure the singing was great, the fellowship was awesome, and the message was powerful. But I just remember the 4-year-old fiasco. Later, by the way, I found out that the actual pooping had been accomplished during Trip #2. So he was totally playing me. Live and learn.
How much do you miss the good ol' days?
P.S. I've just re-read the above and realized that at some point yesterday I actually said, "You'd better have a poop coming out of you." It helps to write things down to realize what we must sound like sometimes.
posted by Thurman8er @ 8:35 AM
4 Comments:
I'll brave the first comment as soon as I get back from the men's room.
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Steve – my kids are working on a study guide for their semester exam and I’m causing a disturbance because of your blog. I promise I don’t have poop coming out of me! That was hilarious! Your boy is quite a guy. It is amazing how fast little ones learn how to manipulate Mom, Dad, and Grandparents.
You need to save this story and any naked pictures of him taking a bath for the first time you meet his future fiancée.
Your post brought 2 memories of Steven back to me:
1. This occurred when Steven was 3 or 4 and I had taken him to the restroom. I assumed the “poop” was included. Any way, some guy in the next stall had a pretty bad case of gas. I also assumed poop was coming out. As he was making the various sounds one makes in a stall, Steven kept saying, “Dad, what is that man doing over there?” “Dad, it stinks in here. Is it that man?” Fortunately we finished before “the man.”
2. Steven was a little older and had seen the movie “Pet Detective.” We were coming out of the restroom in a restaurant when Steven said out (making the waving hand gestures) loud, “Whew, do not go in there!”
Don’t you just love kids and biological functions?
Makes me want to spray a can of ozypu.
I know adults that leave three times to go to the bathroom during service...
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